Stuck in a maze

Published 8 April 2022

As I wake up and sit down to write my second article, the clock reads 7:22, and I find myself trying to articulate my thoughts. It is funny how sometimes our emotional state can be encapsulated by the lyrics of a song. This morning, two particular tunes have been on repeat in my mind: 'The Maze' by Juice Wrld and 'Time Flies' by Mac Miller. If you have not heard them, the former has a refrain that goes, 'Stuck in a maze, everything is okay, but is not really okay' It got me thinking: do you ever have moments where everything seems fine on the surface, but something deeper is stirring beneath the facade?

The purpose of this article is to delve deep into my innermost thoughts and emotions in the hopes of shedding light on what drives me to the brink of insanity. Paradoxically, life can be neither good nor bad, but rather a strange mix of both. While we know that good things take time and that even small changes can have a big impact, it is easy to lose hope when our goals are not achieved within the timeframe we set for ourselves. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn, as unfulfilled expectations have left me feeling like a fraud, an imposter in my own skin.

Two months ago, I was expecting a change in my environment, a shift that would inject some much-needed excitement and thrill into my life but as time ticks by, it feels like the days blend together in a monotonous cycle of routine. The same breakfast, the same tasks, and the same daunting code that I struggle to implement—and to add insult to injury, I am now learning yet another programming language without even having mastered the previous one. It is a constant battle of feeling like I am falling behind, like I am not good enough. Through it all, I am determined to keep pushing forward and to hold on to the hope that one day, all of this hard work and dedication will pay off.

It's a question that we all grapple with at some point in our lives: Will our efforts ever truly pay off? Will we look back and realize that all the time, energy, and sacrifices we made ultimately didn't matter in the grand scheme of things? It's a daunting thought, and one that can leave us feeling lost and uncertain.

But even if we did have all the answers, would that really make a difference? Would it help us understand what truly makes us feel alive, what brings us joy and fulfillment? It is easy to get caught up in the endless cycle of problem-solving and battling our inner demons, but in doing so, we risk missing out on the present moment and the blessings that surround us.

As someone who prides themselves on their positive outlook and ability to uplift others, it is disconcerting to find myself struggling with my own emotions. I am someone who is always been able to stay in control and keep a level head, but this is the first time that I am feeling truly low and out of sorts. It is an unprecedented feeling and one that Ia m still trying to make sense of.

Technically, you could say that we are alive, and our creative minds could lead us to the fortunate life we want to live. For me, somewhere in Marbella in 5 years, or maybe in Toscana. I would not ever visit any of these places, it looks like a fairy tale that I would describe to my children. Speaking honestly, I do not believe that I am close enough to align with my target, but my actions are aligned, or at least that is my thought to live and work remotely just for 5 hours per day and enjoy the sun with the company of a beautiful woman.

My apologies if my previous response came across as objectifying women. That was not my intention. When I mentioned being in the company of a beautiful woman, I was simply trying to convey the idea of finding someone who is not only physically attractive but also thoughtful and kind-hearted. Someone who would be a true companion and partner in my journey toward my goals Beauty, of course, is not just skin deep, and what is truly important is finding someone who shares your values and supports you in your pursuits.

It's true that if we want to live the life that we dream of, we have to first become the kind of person who deserves it. It is easy to get caught up in the unfairness of life and feel like the universe is conspiring against us. That means attaching high standards to my actions and holding myself accountable for living up to those standards.

Recently, I've been working on shifting away from my overly analytical and logical thinking patterns. While these traits have their benefits, I've come to realize the importance of embracing my emotional side and allowing myself to experience the full spectrum of human emotions. I think I developed this behavior of thinking without emotions and relying solely on rationality years ago, but I have yet to uncover the reason behind it as I explore my inner self.

I had a discussion with a friend about emotions, and we had differing opinions on whether it was better to limit negative emotions and focus on positive ones. I argued that it is beneficial to limit the bad and negative emotions, while my friend disagreed, stating that we need to experience all emotions for two main reasons. Firstly, we can learn from the behaviors and actions of the people that trigger our emotions. Secondly, my friend argued that we have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. As I reflect on our discussion, I now realize that my friend may have been right. Perhaps that is why I am trying to explore which actions and which people correlate with which emotions in my mind. However, as I express these thoughts, I also feel conflicted, as another part of me wants to explore the less rational side of things even further.

As I explore different personality traits that align with my beliefs, I am reminded of a quote by Alan Watts: 'Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.' This quote speaks to the idea that the self is an ever-changing entity that cannot be fully captured or contained by any one definition or label. Instead of trying to define ourselves, the quote encourages us to embrace the fluidity and mystery of our being and to be present with ourselves in each moment. Can we ever truly know ourselves, or are we always in a state of discovery and evolution? Although we may never fully understand the complexities of our being, we can still relish the fact that we are alive and prospering in our own unique ways.